If you’re a fan of the TV show Parks & Recreation, you probably remember the “Treat Yo-Self” scenes shared by Donna and Tom: “Treat. Yo. Self. Once a year, Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to? Clothes. Fragrances. Massages. Mimosas. Fine leather goods. It’s the best day of the year.” They’re hilarious scenes, but they demonstrate a limited definition of “self-care.” Taking care of yourself is different from, and way more important than, simply treating yourself.
In the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, therapist Nedra Tawaab defines self-care in this way:
- It’s a mental, spiritual, emotional, or physical practice.
- In some way, it rejuvenates, relaxes, and enhances your life.
- It can be done in response to feeling overwhelmed, or it can be used preventatively.
- It looks different for everyone.
A tricky aspect of self-care is that to be true to its name, it can’t have hidden harms attached to it. Here are some examples of behaviors that on the surface can look like self-care, but in reality, they cause other problems:
- Watching just one more episode of your favorite show. Actually, it’s going to cost you sleep and make you feel tired the next day.
- Purchasing that special something that you’ve been wanting, but you know that it’s outside of your budget and will negatively impact your finances.
- Taking a rest break during the day and scrolling through social media. Except that you end up feeling bad about the time you’ve spent and depressed about the posts you’ve seen.
- Going to a big party, but you’re exhausted and are only going so that the hosts don’t get their feelings hurt if you decline.
Healthy self-care can only happen within the context of healthy boundaries, and healthy boundaries require setting and honoring healthy limits, both with other people and with yourself. Tawaab provides examples of caring for yourself by honoring healthy boundaries:
- Saying “no” to things that you don’t like, that don’t contribute to your growth, or that rob you of valuable time.
- Having media limits that benefit you: turning off devices so that you can get enough sleep, setting your phone to “Do Not Disturb” after 8 p.m., assessing your social media use, and taking a break if needed.
- Sticking to a monthly budget, paying bills on time, going on affordable vacations, and purchasing “treats” when you can truly afford them
- Taking regular breaks and refraining from working to exhaustion.
- Spending time around emotionally healthy people who lift your mood, and reduce contact with people who drain you.
- Finding a good balance between caring about and being involved in other people’s lives and minding your own business.
- Investing energy in decluttering or cleaning your space.
- Taking care of your physical health (like going to the doctor, taking medication as prescribed, eating nourishing food most of the time, minimizing or eliminating harmful substances such as alcohol and commercial tobacco, getting enough sleep and rest, moving your body in a way that feels good, etc.)
- Taking care of your mental health (ex. by going to therapy or talking with someone you trust, allowing yourself to feel your feelings without judging them as good or bad, practicing positive self-talk, speaking as gently to yourself as you would to a friend, forgiving yourself when you make a mistake, etc.)
A common thread runs through each of these examples: saying “no” to something that doesn’t benefit you, so that you can instead say “yes” to the things that support your emotional, physical, and mental well-being.
Sometimes we need to say no to other people, and that’s not inherently mean or selfish. Paying attention to your needs and then honoring them isn’t self-centered. Ultimately, you cannot do a good job of taking care of others if you don’t give yourself opportunities to rest and recharge.
Additionally, we sometimes have to say no to ourselves about smaller things so that we can say yes to treating ourselves in ways that are in line with our greater values. This prevents us from momentary acts of self-betrayal and self-sabotage and provides the path that will move us closer to what we say we want for ourselves.
Boundaries are part of everyone’s personal “user’s manual.” They are the rules we have about how we treat ourselves and the cues that we give other people about how they’re allowed to treat us. Having healthy boundaries leads to feeling safe, loved, peaceful, and respected. And isn’t that what true self-care is all about?